I’m happy to report that the snack basket has officially lost its appeal. Isn’t that so ridiculous, after it tormented me all those years? Today, I ate two delicious, juicy peaches, which were forbidden in the past, because of all the carbs in fruit. And omg, they were heavenly! I’m slowly working through all the foods that I didnt’ allow myself before, and I think (or at least I hope!) I’m getting to the point where it’s out of my system now. I haven’t been bingeing, but I’ve been indulging…like, eating food even when I’m not hungry because I’m allowed and it’s so great! But, I was craving brussels sprouts this afternoon, so I think that’s a good sign 
I feel so FREE these days. I knew that I felt really trapped by food before, but I don’t think I even realized the full extent of it.
Example: There’s a 4th of July bbq coming up in a few weeks. I’ve been invited to this bbq every year that I have lived in California, but I have never gone. Why? Two reasons:
1) I felt like I was too fat. It’s summer, and people wear shorts and tank tops stuff. (funny enough, I thought when I was 145lbs, which at 5’9 is NOT fat.)
2) There will be food, and drinks, and I would just end up eating them all. I was afraid to go to a social event because of what, hotdogs?? It’s true thought that if I had gone I would have WANTED to eat everything, and then felt that uncomfortable anxiety feeling trying to resist the urge to eat the whole time.
This year, I will still feel fat, but F*&$ it! It’s not like I look abnormal and people will stare. I live in America, for heaven’s sake – like, 30% of people are obese. I will go, and go confidently! And, as for the food, I can eat it if I want to, or not. The choice is mine. HALLELUJAH!
I read a post on another blog a few days ago, where the author mentioned she felt maybe getting super fit looking was validating somehow. As she said “ Like, who cares if I’m a shitty medical student…I’m skinny and tanned and pretty and people will like me!” It got me thinking, why the hell do I care about being fit so much? Because I do. It’s not like I want to be average, I want to be THE VERY FITTEST. Am I really insecure, and compensating for it? I don’t think I am, but then why? Why do I have to win? It’s not like I’m hung up on my appearance in general…my hair is in a ponytail 98% of the time, and I do half-ass makeup, and I buy my clothes from Target. Why are six-packs abs so important to me? I don’t know. Something to ponder, for now.
(btw, when I see myself in the mirror and think some kind of negative thought, I say to myself “my life is getting better every day”. And because I really mean it and feel it, it helps SO much.)
I don’t think my weight has changed much in the past few weeks (and I’m not weighing myself till July 1). I’m definitely eating more calories than I used to on a daily basis, but when I binged before I could easily down 10,000 calories in one sitting, so what’s an extra few hundred a day?
So yeah, things are rolling along and I feel like I’m getting over the rebellious ‘I can eat ANYTHING!’ stage, and settling into a good groove. I’ll see what I eat tomorrow and maybe post it to show you what I mean.
Thanks again for all the comments guys, your encouragement makes me feel so good! xo!
